A State Of Life

In life there we face many ups and downs, but there is also a time when everything seems to move smoothly. Life starts walking in straight, smooth path without any potholes or dead ends. A path where life trods at a slow but steady pace.  

I feel the same right now, yet something always seems to be missing. I guess it is always like this. What is the use of a life in which you have everything? These days I'm quite laid back, relaxed. Sometimes I feel a little anxious but somehow I've learn't to control this feeling. 

It's a weekend and I'm sitting at my office. I wanted to do something that I wanted to do and not something that was expected of me, so I opened my blog and started typing. It's been a long time since I last wrote. At that time I was just out of college. I had broken up with my girl friend but not broken apart as I am now. That time I was at home, doing something. Something I thought I wanted to do with my life, but then it all became very blurred and I realised that it was not the one thing that I wanted to do with my life. It was the first time when I had left my job and realised my true nature, my own self. Too fickle, too confused. In my twenties I was behaving like a teenager. It was a time when I thought that everything was very easy and that I could do it, eventually only to realise the opposite. It was a time when I realised that I needed more focus and will power and both cannot be generated by staying at home. I had to do what I did not want to do. I had to see the things that I was too blind to see. I had to find a way when finding one was impossible. Though I am back now, back in my job, I still find myself in a struggle. A constant fight with my self, my circumstances, my views and my opinions, my learning that I have always taught myself or learnt from others. I'm still struggling to find a way out of my misery. The misery that I don't have the slightest idea about. A misery that shows  out of thin air and disappears only to return again and petrify me. An unfamiliar fear that shrouds my happiness and stops me from doing anything that I really want to do.

I've been laborious, but also very lazy. I try to find meaning when nothing around me makes sense. I've become hopeful, hopeful that someday I may figure out a way out of my problems and my fears. I've learnt a lot and I have also realised that I need to learn a lot. Till then it will always be a struggle and I'm afraid that this struggle may not be over in the near future, but still I'm hopeful.